I Miss You, My Aviv
Feels weird to write here again.
Today's January 21. In four days, it will be four months since my baby girl left this world. I miss her so much, my heart aches everyday. And everyday, I wish that she was still here, happily, healthily playing with us.
We didn't know that would happen to her---Meckel's diverticulum. In all the months she spent with us prior to that, we never suspected she had a congenital anomaly. My baby was always, always laughing. Her development was on track. She could wave and say "hi" or "bey bey" (bye bye). We took good care of her: we fed her only fresh fruits and vegetables and organic meat and rice. She was breastfed exclusively. We took great care whenever we cleaned her bottom, and she never had diaper rash. We used gentle baby cleansers for her baths. We practiced babywearing. We avoided chemicals and vaccines, because we wanted what was natural for her. We used baby-friendly detergent for her things. We spent most of our time with her, playing and interacting with her, so that she'd learn a lot of new things everyday. We wanted what we thought was best for our daughter.
But none of it really mattered in the end, because even as we tried hard to shield her from all the "germs" and "bad bacteria" of the outside world, we didn't know that it was her insides that were going to be in trouble.
I'm not going to write here what happened when we were at the hospital, because frankly, I don't want to relive that part anymore. I just want to remember all the happy times V and I have spent with our daughter. It's hard, though, because even if I try hard not to think about her last month on earth, sometimes it just creeps up on you and hits you.
I had things planned before it happened. I wanted us to travel together as a family. We began a "family tradition". Sometimes I ask myself why this had to happen. Why she had to have that condition. Why she didn't survive. Why she had to go before us.
---
Some people told me that things are going to be okay, and that we should just make another baby. I guess that's okay, and another baby is another blessing. But I just want people to know that, another baby won't replace her in our hearts.
---
She looks so much like me, that, whenever I see my childhood photos, I think it's her.
---
Today's January 21. In four days, it will be four months since my baby girl left this world. I miss her so much, my heart aches everyday. And everyday, I wish that she was still here, happily, healthily playing with us.
We didn't know that would happen to her---Meckel's diverticulum. In all the months she spent with us prior to that, we never suspected she had a congenital anomaly. My baby was always, always laughing. Her development was on track. She could wave and say "hi" or "bey bey" (bye bye). We took good care of her: we fed her only fresh fruits and vegetables and organic meat and rice. She was breastfed exclusively. We took great care whenever we cleaned her bottom, and she never had diaper rash. We used gentle baby cleansers for her baths. We practiced babywearing. We avoided chemicals and vaccines, because we wanted what was natural for her. We used baby-friendly detergent for her things. We spent most of our time with her, playing and interacting with her, so that she'd learn a lot of new things everyday. We wanted what we thought was best for our daughter.
But none of it really mattered in the end, because even as we tried hard to shield her from all the "germs" and "bad bacteria" of the outside world, we didn't know that it was her insides that were going to be in trouble.
I'm not going to write here what happened when we were at the hospital, because frankly, I don't want to relive that part anymore. I just want to remember all the happy times V and I have spent with our daughter. It's hard, though, because even if I try hard not to think about her last month on earth, sometimes it just creeps up on you and hits you.
I had things planned before it happened. I wanted us to travel together as a family. We began a "family tradition". Sometimes I ask myself why this had to happen. Why she had to have that condition. Why she didn't survive. Why she had to go before us.
---
Some people told me that things are going to be okay, and that we should just make another baby. I guess that's okay, and another baby is another blessing. But I just want people to know that, another baby won't replace her in our hearts.
---
She looks so much like me, that, whenever I see my childhood photos, I think it's her.
---
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